Blood Girl - OCD

Now I've had OCD
I mean officially
For 4 months at least
And it's a shit disease
And my medicine
Is still not helping me
I still cannot eat
I still cannot sleep
I still cannot be
I always feel on edge
I always feel death creeping up my sleeves
And I've probably had this illness for more than 10 years
But let's not think about that
And everything I ever do tears me to the point of panic
Let's not think about that
Do you know how scary it is
To be afraid of things you cannot ever change?
Or do you not think about that
Do you know how fucked up it is to not know what's real?
Or do you not think like that
I still cannot feel
If my heart is skipping beats
If that's even true
Like should I see a doctor or see my therapist?
Is anything real?
The feelings I can get
From shit inside my head is completely off the hook
I hate this shitty life
I hate this shitty time
I hate my OCD
And this illness is chronic
And will probably haunt me for the rest of my life
Let's not think about that
And this illness is violent and makes me think I'm violent
Shit, but people get uncomfortable if I ever mention that
It is not just cleaning
Or that I like it tidy
It is not a hobby
Or something exciting
This illness is as horrible as horrifying gets
Feeling like a prisoner in your own fucking head
Never really understanding
What is me?
What is sickness?
So I just give up and give in
And accept that nothing ever changes

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Blood Girl - OCD

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